“What is your life plan, B?”
No doubt the future is terrifying. For the most part, the future is unknown and anything can happen. I’m a bit more of a pessimistic than an optimistic, and I mean that in a very paranoid, worry-wart kind of way. However, having a plan or an outline can help ease the jitters. With a few “checkpoints” laid out, it’s a good way to make sure small steps are taken at a time. Easy does it!
Of course, one of the main reason I started to think more about my life plan is because I literally have a ticking kid-time bomb inside me. I’ve read articles about how women are having kids older and older. They had no trouble bearing the children, and none of them had any birth defects either. I’m not entirely worried about those parts, but lately it has been even more about something personal rather than life choices and preferences.
My grandma passed away a few months ago and it wasn’t until I was at her funeral that I realized I didn’t have that many memories of her regardless how old I am right now. I’m the youngest grandchild who spent the least amount of time with her. Don’t get me wrong, I still cried my eyes out, but it wasn’t as much as my siblings and cousins who have all known our grandmother way longer and had way more memories.
The entire weekend was spent with cousins talking about everyone’s “LIFE PLAN”. When the attention finally landed on me, I was at a loss. I had just told everyone that I was in a relationship with Boyfriend, but neither of us had a life plan. Our relationship just started; our lives together just started. Yeah, we live together but the idea of a wedding was out of the question!
And it hit me: I only have one grandparent left. This was the beginning of another serious conversation I had to have with Boyfriend.
From there, my mind began to race more regarding the future. When would we get married? Are we still going to have a kid by 37? What about that dog that we both really want? It still feels like we just got together and we just moved in together. And it’s true, we just did! We’re comfortable where we are now (minus this COVID19 issue), in this townhouse with its current rent as well as the location. His commute is nearly non-existent and my commute isn’t too bad considering I get to save gas by taking the train. But with our current jobs (again, before COVID-19 hit), we don’t make enough to take care of another human life let alone a dog. Our place doesn’t even allow dogs. How how are we supposed to get the lifestyles we want?
My fear is that my future kids will go through the same situation as me. My youngest kid, if I have more than one, may not have much time, many memories, to spend with my parents. Maybe my grandchildren won’t be able to see much of me. If I have my first kid at 35, then by the time they’re my age when I had them, I’ll be 70. But, again, each generation is having kids later and getting on their feet later because school debt is way too real and everywhere has such high rent. Will I be able to see much of my kids when they grow up? Will I be able to see much of my grandchildren?
70 is pretty generous. I haven’t been as healthy as my grandparents were, so hitting 100 is out of the question. I’d be surprised if that becomes the case, but I think hitting 70 will already be a relatively pleasant surprise.
With COVID-19 at the moment, it’s even more so we won’t be able to keep up with these goals in mind, which worries me. Right now it’s all about making sure we have enough money for rent and our monthly bills.
This was a tough conversation to have with Boyfriend, which definitely freaked him out, but this was something that we needed to discuss at some point anyway. Given our circumstances, I don’t think we were having this talk too early, but I do wish that I could had brought it up in a less abrupt way.
I’m not going to lie, this became a very emotional conversation. But for the most part, we both understand that with our current jobs, we need to make more or find a more well-paid profession in order to obtain the type of lifestyle we want to have and in order to get what we want (ie: a dog). We still don’t have a life plan, and I think that’s okay because at least now we have an idea of our future together. The topic has been thrown into the ring and we’re taking things step by step.
First: Either find a job that pays more or get a promotion with current jobs. (As well as survive COVID-19!)
Bernie Here 